April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I have struggled with whether or not I was going to post something or not. And here I am on April, 22 2017 getting my butt in gear and deciding to post about my experience. GAHHH! Its not that I am nervous to share my experience. I have never been shy about it. I was raped. I was raped by my ex boyfriend and his friends at a party. I have never shied away from detail because I am someone who believes in NOT shying away from the nitty gritty. Knowing details and talking about them in every aspect of my life has helped me overcome some of the greatest obstacles. So why would it be any different for ‘”my story?”
Well, I think I have figured out why I was shying away from talking about it. I think its because i didn’t want other people who I love and care about to either be hearing about it for the first time, or to have to relive it. But then I remembered that I relive it every time I go to sleep. Every time I hear about sexual assault and rape I relive it. Whoever there is a rape scene on TV, in movies, or books, I relive it. It wouldn’t be fair of me to not share my story to all of the other survivors of sexual assault who relive their worst nightmare every day. I need to speak out, my voice needs to be heard. Just lime every single survivor out there needs to be heard.
Now, when I was raped over and over again by my boyfriend and his friends I had been drugged. I cant even begin to explain the feeling of knowing what is happening to you, but not being able to do anything about it. And you know what? A drop of liquor hadn’t even touched my lips at that party. Not one. I drank a freaking Dr.Pepper. And even if i had something to drink RAPE IS NEVER OKAY. EVER. PERIOD.
They boys thought it would be hilarious to video tape it and send it to me a few days later. Not knowing if what I had experienced was real or if it was a dream When I got that video I knew it wasn’t a dream. I think deep down I knew it never was, but I wanted to deny it. My BF had broken up with me the next day after all of it happened. And the sick part was I still wanted to be with him. HE RAPED ME, LET HIS FRIENDS RAPE ME AND TAPED IT. And I still wanted to be with him. How disgusting is that? How freaking sad is it that I hated myself so much that I thought it was okay to be treated like that? The worst part is when I asked him why he did it, he responded “Because you deserved it.”
I will spare my friends and family reading this the nitty gritty of all of it. Not because I am one to shy away, but because those of you who know the story in its entirety already know it, and those of you reading if you want to know more can email me. I am happy to answer any questions a curious mind has.
Anyway, after all of this happened I pined for this guy. It got so bad i dropped out of High School and started doing home school. I was severely suicidal, I was acting out at home, my life was a mess. I never told my parents what had happened until years later, and I am sure if I would have told them they would have gotten me the help I severely needed. I was sick and I was depressed. I needed help. But because I was so self-loathing I thought that I deserved it. Why would I seek help for something I deserved?
We moed away about a year after that, and I started over. I slowly learned to move past what happened. Or so i thought. It wasn’t until I had sex with my next boyfriend that I realized I didn’t want him to do certain things because it triggered memories. I had severe PTSD. From the age of 14-20 I suffered from it. Yet, I still slept with any guy who looked at me because I wanted to be punished. I wanted to feel the bad things, I wanted the self loathing and fear because I deserved it. He said I deserved it so I did. He had been so mentally abusive that up until my marriage to my husband, I honestly thought that all men wanted from me was sex. So that is what I gave them.
When I met my now husband I was 18. We of course had sex, and for a while it was beautiful. He treated me with a soft kinds that no one had ever done before. He was careful and sweet with me. I thought my PTSD might be over. Then one day it came back. I attacked my (bf) husband during the night, trying to fight him off of me. Trying to get back what dignity I had gained. When he was able to calm me down enough to make me realize it was him and not my ex I cried. I cried until the wee hours of the morning. He just held me a stroked my hair until I fell asleep.
My husband is the most patient and kind man I know. It has taken YEARS. But I can proudly say that I have worked through my PTSD and self-hate issues. I am free from the feelings of disgust in myself. Instead, they have turned to feelings of disgust for the boys who did this to me. For the boys who ruined my teen years. Disgust for anyone who would do that to another human being. I am a freaking survivor. While I still relive that day with great detail, I no longer shudder away from it. I relive it in all of its heinous detail because it makes me stronger. I replay that day because I want to remember everything that happened. I want to feel the hate and hides act that took place that day because I can use that hate and disgust to be strong. I can use it to move on and be the powerful woman I am today.
Not all survivors cope the same way I do. Some want to forget it. Some want to talk about it sparingly. It doesn’t matter how you cope. As long as you are coping. If I could look back at my 14 year old self and speak with her I would tell her that YOU MATTER. YOU ARE WORTHY. I never had the experience of people shaming me or not believing me. But I know there are other survivors that have. And I have something to say to you. I BELIEVE YOU. I AM HERE. Please, email me. Add me on FB I understand what you are going through. We need to stick together and be strong for each other and ourselves.
If you have a story and you are willing to share, please let me know. I would love to feature you on my blog for the rest of the month of April. It can be anonymous. We need to stick together, my friends.
#ISURVIVED #SURVIVOR #SEXUALASSULT